Not Me Too
Of course it happened to me. It happens to all of us. Sexual harassment, exploitation, assault, is so common we learn about it as children and talk about it for the rest of our lives. If you’re a woman who thinks she’s never been objectified or held back because of your sex, you probably just didn’t notice it amongst all the other sexually threatening noise that makes up our culture.
At last, a group of wealthy women at the top of their profession are speaking out. So should the rest of us be grateful? Should we grab onto this movement as though it might help us to rise to the level of equal to men in the workforce? In our social lives? In our places of worship? On the bus?
I’m not so sure.
See, I worked in retail. I came from a family that offered no support for me, not as a child and certainly not as an adult. I started work when I was 16 and I made my own way, sometimes with the help of the men in my life as far as room and board was concerned, more often not.
When I left my last retail job, the women who worked beside me were happy for me, some to the point of tears. I was leaving to go to school, to pursue a masters degree in journalism, I was getting out of the pink ghetto. In my life, they could see some hope.
Some of the finest, strongest, smartest women I ever met worked in retail.
They didn’t work there because it was a career choice. They worked there because their husbands lost their jobs, or because they were single moms or because they fled a civil war, or gang violence, and landed in a country where they did not speak the language and so had to start their lives over from the bottom. That’s the truth of women’s lives that no one talks about. We are so often in the position of starting over from nothing.
Every one of us could tell you stories about sexual harassment, oppression, even rape. But we chose not to. And there were good reasons why.
What keeps women down in this culture is not the amount of sexual aggression we face, as shocking and sad as that sounds, it is economic oppression.
What makes us stay in places where men have leverage over us and use that leverage for sex, is money and the lack of it.
Some enduring figures from film and literature might give you a clue to that reality. For me, the archetype of Scarlett O’Hara comes to mind. Sure, she was born rich but she was also born female, ineligible for any inheritance, and while she pined for “true love” in however a misguided a fashion, she woke up to her reality eventually and became the pragmatist that dwells inside most of us. She cut up those curtains and got out there to sell her charm and buy some security for the people depending on her.
You might not like Scarlett, (she’s not very likable) but she is a realistic interpretation of the choices women make in our day to day lives. We are pragmatists. In a world that, for the most part, denies us financial security except through sex, we have to be.
That might sound dramatic but consider it, the casting couch, the board room, the back kitchen of the Michelin starred restaurant, colleges, publishing houses, factories, newsrooms, even Churches, they all exact the same price; give sex, get money.
We’re not on the street, not all of us, but we’ve been working with that reality since money began and I don’t see much of it changing for women in the service industries just because someone shines a spotlight on the casting couch.
That is what’s making such a cynic out of me. The #metoo movement is going to get some justice, maybe, for women in Hollywood or Nashville or London or New York, but even if it exacts the most stringent standards over every other industry, in the developed world, the fact is, women need money to live.
We need access to money to house ourselves and feed our young and we are going to do whatever it takes to get it.
If women in power want to do something for women who work on the lower rungs of the social ladder then they need to fight for economic justice.
A woman with money can tell a man with an angry erection to fuck himself, a poor woman cannot.
And no amount of money set aside in a legal “defense fund” is going to make a bit of difference to the millions of women working hour by hour, living paycheck to paycheck and tolerating whatever they must in order to keep a roof over their heads. The light of this movement just will not penetrate. The canopy of sexism is too thick. (And I would argue the idea of a “legal defense fund” is, in itself, offensive. It should be the perpetrator of the abuse who worries about “defense” in a court of law, not the victim.)
Instead, what could (and I think, will) happen is the creation of a schism between women who are vocal about sexual harassment, most likely daughters of the moneyed classes, and women who use their silence as leverage to advance their economic status. I believe that’s the most likely outcome of this movement.
Why? Because women are pragmatists. We flow with the current of social injustice, like water, and when there is a crack in the rock that might let us through to a new level of safety, we are going to take it. And we should not blame each other for that, even though we often do.
If famous women want to help women toiling in obscurity, they need to work for economic justice. A woman who can leave a job in the knowledge that she will be able to find another job with decent pay, decent hours and some security, can walk away from an abuser. A woman who has only made short strides toward her own security and is living paycheck to paycheck is an economic hostage to her job. She’s not going anywhere.
So now, if you’re a young woman reading this little note, penned by a middle-aged woman who found a path to freedom, however temporary and precarious it may prove to be, let me give you some advice:
Take every opportunity presented to you, even if you think it may not be 100% ethical. Do what you have to do and keep your eyes on the prize. The prize being your freedom.
Lie to your oppressors when you must, for as long as it suits your mission to get to freedom. If your boss says he needs you to do something personal for him in order for you to get to the next ring of your career, say Yes and do No. Nod and smile at your parents, your sexist friends, your “mentors” and professors. Listen to what they say, nod and smile, privately consider their bias and then do whatever you know you must do. Sometimes they’re right, usually not. You know best.
Tell everyone everything all the time, transparency is your friend.
Beware the women who are servants to the patriarchy. They are everywhere and they will ambush you just for the fun of it. I wish we were all united in the cause of helping each other but the fact is, some women see success as a pie and those who do will be out there with knives, trying to carve out the biggest piece for themselves and not caring if you get slashed in the process.
Ask for help. When help is offered, take it. Recognize that most of the time, help is not coming, help is already here. You are your best help.
Get married. Single women are the poorest most marginalized demographic group in any developed society. It’s simple math. Allied to another person, you are more likely to be able to build a foundation of security. On your own, it’s unlikely and it gets less likely as you age.
Find a decent person to marry and stop looking for the fake-out of an eternal, romantic, fairy-tale love. That might happen for you, it happens for some, but it’s rare and it can’t find you if you’re laboring under a pyramid of debt, doubt and other people’s needs. You need to find a way to lead a life with some room in it for you. Bell Hooks was mostly right about romantic love, it’s a trap for most women.
If someone hits you, walk away. No explanations, no exceptions. You’ll get over it. Don’t look back.
I’ve left everything I owned in my wake three times over the course of my life so far. And I’ve learned, you are never going to die from lack of stuff. Stuff comes, even when you don’t really want it. What kills you is the months or years you spend building yourself back into you again after you’ve made allowances for someone who is shitty to you, not the lost sofa, the jewelry or the book collection.
Remember who you are. Read the tales of strong women, learn their lessons. Keep going and no matter what, don’t let anyone turn you into “me too” make sure, as often as possible, it’s “Me First.” You matter.
Some of us get it. We’re here. We too.
